asterios kokkinos
geoffrey golden
rob asaro
adam daroff
eric larnick
jenni powell
rob morrisonreturn to oz: this movie sucks!
| written by rob on 11/29/06 | 15 comments |
as we all know “the wizard of oz” was a classic story and wonderful movie about a girl in search of something more, but throughout her journey she discovers that the best things in life were family, friends and her home; all of the things that she already had.
so what do you do disney? you write the return to oz; a story in which dorothy forgets all of her lessons learned and returns to oz, and because you’re sick freaks, you take the oz we loved remember and turn it into fright fest. your villain rotates between a collection of heads, dorothy’s wonderful companions have been replaced with a side show, among them a giant talking jack-o-lantern. it gets better. during the course of this movie, you place dorothy in a straight jacket as she prepares to undergo shock therapy to “forget.” i only wish after this movie i too could do the same.
what the f? do you like butchering american classics. why not make a sequel to citizen cane, this time rose bud can be a toy car, or how about a sequel to gone with the wind, “we thought the war was over but there was another war, rebuilding the south: gone with the wind part II, the chronicles of reconstruction!” maybe you can ruin Casablanca? elsie can turn the plane around and run into rick’s arms. Something tells me disney, that you hand your hand in the godfather part three. what do you want disney! when will you be happy! when you butcher every movie ever made with a psychotic sequel! is that when you’ll be happy! Huh? Huh
that aside, I felt the movie did a nice job keeping with the imagery and story-telling of l. frank baum.
filed under disney
the wonder years: watching my life away
| written by rob on 11/17/06 | leave a comment |
i watched this show in amazement; it was like watching my life, had i been born in a non-descript suburban town in the late 1950’s/early 1960’s. when people talk nostalgically about the beattles and bell-bottoms i fell like i was there because in many ways i was, you see i watched the wonder-years every week, and because i’m delusional and misguided i lived vicariously through kevin arnold for 6 years, excluding summers, which i found to be a very lonely time or at best, some sort of freakish-weekly deja vu.
those were the best years of my life. i vaguely remember kissing winnie cooper and taking guff from my older brother wayne but mostly i remember missing out on the late 80’s and early 90’s because i was too busy living vicariously though the late 60’s and early 70’s. did i miss anything? how did operation desert storm pan out? is dana carvey still doing church lady? and let me see if I understand this: mutant turtles named after famous painters? are these turtles painters themselves? no. just ninjas? sounds great.
i can’t wait until the day that i have a child of my own so that when he asks me about my childhood, i can just play him episodes of the wonder years and say son, it was sort of like this, my dad was strict but fair, my sibling would often give me a tough time, I learned a lot of fairly obvious and poignant life lessons and i kissed winnie copper repeatedly.
filed under tv dramas: 80s
the pog phase and other things i missed out on
| written by rob on 11/01/06 | 1 comment |
this video will tell you exactly where you can play pogs.
pogs were the thing to have, if you were a young kid in the early to mid-nineties. but guess what friends? i was a young kid in the late eighties to early nineties, meaning by the time pogs came to town, i was on my way to bad jim carrey impersonations.
yes, my friends, I missed out on the pog phase, and i’m sick about it! what a concept: circular pieces of cardboard with pictures of second rate cartoons! sadly, my youth had faded and my pallet had grown to appreciate the subtle art of frasier tuesdays and unsupervised fireworks club wednesday.
the plight of 1983 (my birth year) extends upon my pog dismay. had I been a kid in the mid to late eighties, or the early to mid-eighties, i would have had the chance to participate in the joy of snap bracelets. today, when i hear snap-bracelet-disaster-jokes, i can’t help but feel like an outsider with healthy wrists, who can only laugh half-heartedly.
remember mc hammer? I don’t. had I known that this artistic genius existed, I would have owned ridiculously oversized puffy pants, but instead i was watching a new series called the “disney afternoon,” and first at bat: the gummi bears. It was not a good time.
filed under kid culture, music: 90's, novelty, toys, tv kids shows: 90s
camels: suck down cigarettes, suck as spokesmen
| written by rob on 10/27/06 | 1 comment |
video: anti-smoking psa’s involving a joe camel puppet. they’re not as bad as you assume they are.
i can remember going down route 80 on a sunny afternoon as a child, being bombarded with billboards for cigarettes. among those ads was tall joe camel, telling the world to smoke up.
the big deal in the news at the time was the idea that because joe camel was a cartoon, he was designed to draw kids into smoking. as a kid, i never bought that crap for a minute. wake up america: kids don’t like camels. no one likes camels. even camels probably hate themselves.
kids love dogs, plain and simple. joe camel is another classic example of tobacco companies over-thinking things. if joe was a dog, i would have started smoking immediately.
dogs, like mcgruff, are smart. camels are stupid. they make unwise choices, like living in the desert and being ugly. kids hate being hot, and their ugly classmates. poor show, cigarette ads. you used the wrong animal.
-rob asaro
p.s. hey, national fire saftey council: why the hell’d you choose a bear? when smokey the bear came to my school, i was scared out of my mind! i would have run towards a fire to get away from a bear! smokey sent the wrong message to children: trust bears!
people at home, remember: don’t trust bears. black bears, grizzly bears, chicago bears, gummi bears, any one of them could kill you.
filed under commercials, politics
beauty and the candlestick, dumbass!
| written by rob on 10/26/06 | leave a comment |
you haven’t heard “be our guest” until you’ve heard it in japanese!
hold on a second, let me see if I have this straight. you’re telling me that beauty and the beast has a talking candlestick — and the movie centers around a girl? what? no, I’m not hearing this right. am i?
this candlestick not only speaks, but he’s a player, he’s funny, and breaks out into delightful song! he’s your cornerstone. not some dumb broad who has serious relationship issues. we want to see a candle flirt with a feather-duster! i want to know the candlestick who can orchestrate a very impressive musical number, not a bookish girl’s hope for romance. really, disney, get your act together. here you have a golden character (literally) and you’re using him as a secondary plot devise to help propel a love story? he can sing! he can dance! what can she do? nothing, except for break hearts! oh, disney. you have disappointed, again.
filed under disney, tv kids shows: 90s
where were these spin-offs when we needed them?
| written by rob on 10/06/06 | 1 comment |
as the fall tv season approaches, I find myself a bit somber without a traditional spin-off on the list of new shows. throughout the years, the major networks have missed out on opportunities to turn decent minor characters into band-aids between the eight-o-clock and nine-o-clock hour on a given weekday night. here now are some of those missed opportunities:
house of cards
full house’s d.j. was the loveable, respectful older daughter in the tanner house, but what if D.J. got knocked up by her mexican boyfriend? d.j. tanner takes to a life as a drug mule, in order to support philippe and her daughter on the way.
on the lamb
after a terrible accident, a suburban girl named laura winslow finds herself responsible for the death of her neighbor, steve urkel. now laura is on the run to escape her past and find her new life. but will her father, an officer of the law, catch up to her?
step by step by step
when carol lambert’s husband dies in a scuba diving accident, she remarries barry bimble, recent widower. but can carol’s three biological children and three adopted children come to terms with barry’s three biological children and three adopted children?
two of a kind
ducktales favorites, huey and louie (now in their 20’s), reunite to piece together their lives after their brother dies in a terrible explosion.
joey’s back!
when failed actor joey tribbiani finally throws in the towel, he finds himself returning home to the comfort of his old friends. but can they help him pick up the pieces of his shattered life? it’s heartache and pizza on joey’s back!
more frasier
i know that frasier crane was a main character, but there’s still a lot of ground left to cover with him. what’s his shirt size? favorite cereal? could things be funny if he visited a zoo? i need more frasier!
filed under tv comedies: 80's, tv comedy: 90s, tv kids shows: 80's