5 very disappointing movie trilogies
written by geoffrey on 04/21/08

if your hollywood movie is successful, profits dictate that there will be a sequel. however, when the sequel sucks, why does there have to be a third one? sometimes the filmmakers aren’t through telling their now increasingly shittier story, and other times the second film — terrible as it was — managed to eek out just enough cash to warrant a third installment. woo hoo.

here are 5 movie trilogies we were at one point excited about, then we were horribly let down by.

#5: aladdin

these days, we know that a direct-to-video disney movie is just disney’s lucrative way of ruining their franchises, but in 1994 we had no idea, because return of jafar was the first direct-to-video disney animated feature. boy, were we excited to reunite with the genie again in a new feature length adventure. hey, why doesn’t he sound like robin fucking williams?

robin bowed out of the sequel, leaving the talented (but not the same) dan “homer” castellaneta in his place. yeah, robin wasn’t in the tv show either, but this was a feature film, right? shouldn’t he be in the “real” movies?

the second one fell flat, and when robin finally returned for the third one, everyone started wishing disney sequels away.

#4: austin powers

an affectionate parody and a modest hit at the box office, the first austin powers became mega successful on video. this led to austin powers mania, where everyone quoted austin powers catchphrases not-stop for one year (1998). finally, austin powers: the spy who shagged me (1999) was released — and grossed $310 million dollars!

the problem was that it sucked. it rehashed all the gags from the first austin powers and made them longer and stupider. no one seemed to realize this or care, and the austin powers love-in continued… until goldmember, when suddenly everyone agreed there should only have ever been one austin powers film. the sequels not only squeezed austin dry, but left a bad taste in our mouths.

#3: the star wars prequels

many of you might be wondering why this isn’t number one on the list. that’s fair. star wars: the phantom menace was perhaps the most over-hyped train wreck ever. every magazine, every bottle of soda, every fast food chain promoted that abysmal film, which had none of the charm or likeable characters found in the beloved star wars trilogy. instead, we had racist jar jar and the story of a pod-racing boy who… zzzz….

attack of the clones was even MORE boring! a love story with no romantic chemistry between the leads. the only cool thing was a yoda lightsaber battle at the end. not worth sitting through a whole bad movie for.

however, star wars: revenge of the sith was great. it’s the one star wars film i’d show to my kids, along with the original trilogy. there were real emotions, and the endless jabber about space politics in the first two losers finally paid off with bloodshed and action in the third. i mean, anakin slaughters a school of kid jedis. darth vader says “noooooo!” what more do you want?

therefore, this trilogy is kind of the reverse of most. it was disappointing until the end. at least this trilogy doesn’t leave you hating it.

#2: the summer of 2007

remember what a great movie season last summer was supposed to be? it was the summer of threes, and leading the way were shrek the third, pirates of the caribbean: at world’s end, and the most highly anticipated of them all: spider-man 3. forget the beach this summer, kids. you’ve got some important movies to see!

no single summer has soured me on movie trilogies quite like the last one. the first shrek was terrific, the second one was at least funny at times, and the third one was uneven and stilted — like it was supposed to go direct-to-video, but didn’t out of sheer idiocy. at world’s end proved that swashbuckler movies can be incomprehensible and plotty. yarr!!

however, after two awesome spider-man movies, i don’t think anyone was expecting spider-man 3 to be as remarkably bungled as it was. too many villains, too many plots in general, too much endless talking, too many convenient romantic misunderstandings. peter parker cries, like, 50 times. i’m crying too just thinking about it.

#1: the matrix

what is the matrix?

why did they hype the sequels until we were sick of them before they were released?

why is there so much college dorm room philosophy dialogue in these non-student films?

why does that stupid french guy get so much screen time?

why did they release 2 only six months after 3, which felt like two punches of back-to-back awful?

why is every other line of dialogue in the sequels a question? don’t they realize how annoying that is?

why did this trilogy blow up so badly? why?????????!(#*E&j)))))))))))))))))****************

*SYSTEM SHUT DOWN*

2 comments


filed under disney, movies, sci-fi

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2 comments

  1. HexenDarkside Apr 21

    Alladin: Definently. The first one was such a classic… but after I watched The Return of Jafar I wasen interested in the third one. I was like 11

    Austin Powers: Honestly, I think the first 2 were good. It seemed like the re-use of jokes didnt really kick off until the third one… but man did they re-use everything.

    Star Wars Prequals: I pretty much exactly agree with what you said. I have a talking Jar Jar Binks, lol.

    Summer 2007: Spiderman and Pirates are both movies I have only seen the first of with not much need to see the others. Shrek, however, dissapointed me. I watched Shrek the 3rd on my computer and wished Id watched Superbad instead.

    Matrix: The first one - great. Second - didnt understand. Third - REALLY didnt understnd.

  2. geoffrey Apr 22

    no one understands the matrix sequels. that is, no one understands why they’re so retarded.

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