contenders ready!
gladiators ready!
go!

watching american gladiators burns more calories than jogging a 5k. this show was just so fucking intense. bodybuilders used their superior physical prowess to just beat the shit out of anyone dumb enough to challenge them. apparently, there are a lot of people that stupid. these big guys and gals tackled them, shot at them, knocked them off shit, pulled them down from stuff, and generally kicked the crap out of them. nowhere was this more evident than the mother of all obstacle courses: the eliminator.

named for charlie sheen’s curve ball in major league 2, the eliminator was a basic training course on steroids, manned by gladiators just dying for you to try to defy your seven second penalty for falling from an obstacle.  in the eliminator’s many forms, it ended with gladiators creatively getting in your way. this video features my favorite: throwing a giant ball. so fucking good.

for the younger audience that didn’t watch the lame american gladiators for kids, we had guts.

do-do-do-do you have it?
GUTS!

even those of us that hated gym class wanted to be on this show. i always thought gym would be better if we had harnesses and bungee cords. cheap-ass school said it was too expensive. i guess they didn’t really care about my physical fitness. i digress.

guts was like the olympics for kids. they got to compete in the world’s coolest events and hang out with the hottest referee in the history of children’s sports television. oh mo, you will always be the first woman with an accent i ever loved (there have been many). the only way to win guts supremecy, though, was to scale the agro crag. this mountain was so cool, your grand prize was owning a piece of it. these kids had to navigate confetti, styrofoam rocks, um…

i’m sorry everyone. i think we can all agree the crag ruled. but when compared to the eliminator, there’s no contest. maybe if we parked a couple gladiators at the summit, we’d have some fair competition. in fact, i’m going to go pitch that to nickelodeon. anyone have any connections at nickelodeon?

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