asterios kokkinos
geoffrey golden
rob asaro
adam daroff
eric larnick
jenni powell
rob morrison5 songs you should never sing to your bi-polar girlfriend written by daroff on 09/25/07
if you own a guitar, there’s a good chance you have at one point dated, or are currently dating, a girl with bi-polar disorder. that’s manic-depression for those of you not current on your dsm definitions. i hope you will all learn from my mistakes as i share with you 5 songs you wouldn’t expect would throw your bi-polar girlfriend into some stage of bat shit crazy.
#5- “blister in the sun” - violent femmes
this song seems harmless enough. every kid with a guitar has ventured a play at this simple and catchy pop tune. you might even want to show your mad skills off to your new lady. DON’T. or if you do, figure out a way to skip the line “my girlfriend, she’s at the end; she is starting to cry.” i am not kidding you, she thought i chose that song to send some sort of message to her about how crazy i thought she was. then she started to cry.
#4- “bitch” meredith brooks
you might think that learning this anthem of feminine power will earn you points with your batty beloved. YOU WOULD BE WRONG. the last thing your bi-polar girlfriend wants is to be reminded of the nickname daddy had for her before he left to pursue his new career as an alcoholic. when dealing with a bi-polar babe, do not give her the chance to make connections between you and her deadbeat dad.
#3- “loser” - beck
when i learned how to play this song, i wanted to share it with everyone. that riff is so much fun. remember folks, before you go showing off, THINK FIRST. true, when you think of the song, you remember great lyrics like “my time is a piece of wax, falling on a termite who’s chokin’ on the splinters.” your foxy firecracker, however, will only hear one thing. “i’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?” to her, this lyric is atomically awful. putting aside the allusions to suicide, it will make her think she’s a loser, then it will make her think you’re a loser, then it will make her think she’s a loser again for dating a loser. save this one for your eventual cover band.
#2- “suicidal dreams” - silverchair
at some point, it might occur to you to impress your looney lady with some silverchair. HELLS NO. there is simply no excuse for a guy to know how to play a silverchair song. it’s a musical instrument, not a vagina. silverchair sucks, and if you know how to play a silverchair song, you suck too.
#1- “brick” - ben folds five
one listen and you might be convinced that this is the song that will completely melt your ga-ga gal pal’s heart. just listen to that melody. i think i cried first time i heard it. i got about a minute into playing this song for my bi-polar ex before i realized the error of my ways. maybe i should have READ THE LYRICS FIRST. the last thing your psychopathic sweetie wants is to remember the child she aborted in seventh grade.
to make matters worse, ben folds manages to paint such a tragically vivid picture that she can’t help but re-live every painful moment. did i mention she also suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, so this flashback isn’t just painful, it’s incapacitating. she is literally shaking on the ground because you thought you needed some pussy song to make her love you. here’s a tip, pal. take good care of her and she’ll adore you for life. you don’t need gimmicks.
filed under music: 90's
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John Sep 25
Another one not to play: “Over My Head” by Lit. Then again, I dated a girl with Borderline personality disorder, so it may not apply.