let’s all imagine for a moment we work for a big company, and our boss gathers us together for task of choosing a superhero to stop global pollution. one of you raises your hand and suggests captain planet. as team leader, i take it as my prerogative to fire you. you plead for your job, all the while no clue as to why your idea was so astronomically horrible as to warrant me firing you.

why is captain planet the single worst candidate to fight global pollution?

because his one and only weakness is, you guessed it, POLLUTION.

the man can’t be expected to clean up a toxic waste dump if he has to worry about getting a little on him. he’s, in fact, more vulnerable to pollution than the planeteers that summon him. in my imaginary brainstorming session, i would favor the guy who suggests the lame heart kid over you for suggesting captain planet.

for further proof, i’ve taken the liberty of writing the death of captain planet.

INT. DR. BLIGHT’S LAB — DAY

CAPTAIN PLANET smashes through the wall and comes face to face with the unconcerned DR. BLIGHT. She stands confidently, arms clasped behind her back.

CAPTAIN PLANET
Game over, Dr. Blight. Your plan to reverse the
North Atlantic Current has failed.

DR. BLIGHT
But you see, Planet, that was only the beginning
of my master scheme.

Dr. Blight brings her arms forward to reveal a lit cigarette.

DR. BLIGHT (CONT’D)
You see, Planet, even in this well ventilated room, this
tiny amount of second-hand smoke will be enough
to take you down.

CAPTAIN PLANET
Oh no. Unfiltered.

Before he can react, Dr. Blight blows smoke in Captain Planet’s face.

He fucking dies.

now can we put an end to this god awful show that i watched religiously as a kid but learned next to nothing about eco-friendly behavior from?