everyone remembers the onslaught of knock-off simpsons merchandise that hit stores, flea markets, and roadside fruit stands during our childhood. however, we also bought plenty of shitty, official merchandise as well. stuff that went from your bedroom, to your closet, to the garbage dump. you fool, what were you thinking, throwing these items away? now they’re practically yellow plastic gold!

in honor of their movie debut, here are 5 pieces of simpsons merchandise you wish you still owned!

#5: homer slippers

yes, they got ratty and fell apart, but why on earth would you ever part with slippers that made it look like homer was eating your feet? these puppies put you in the action, so you could imagine what an episode of the simpsons is like from the doughnut’s point-of-view. sadly, you took a second look at homer’s mishapen head and weird expression and said, “salvation army.” some hobo is having a great time in these.

#4: “who shot mr. burns” mousepad

for some reason, it’s hard to find a “who shot mr. burns” anything, let alone a mousepad, the most 90s-y thing ever. everybody needs a physical reminder of how they knew for a fact it was smithers, cause all the evidence was supporting that outcome, and then they found out it was the baby. however, when you switched to an optical mouse, you lost an incredibly frustrating piece of your tv watching history.

#3: simpsons bedding

you’re a fool for trading in your awesome simpsons bedsheets for “adult” bedding that’s a single, boring, retarded color (like white or “maroon”). in addition, having simpsons bedsheets is a one-way ticket to pussytown. think i’m being sarcastic? excellent. that’s more tail for me when i buy these sheets on ebay. to complete the mood, i’ll put on the pin pals episode — the ultimate aphrodesiac. jealous? i thought so.

#2: “bart vs. the space mutants” - handheld edition

granted, no one should regret destroying a copy of “bart vs. the space mutants,” or most simpsons video games for that matter. they’re all terrible. this pocket game sucks too, but imagine how hipster cool you’d be if you were playing this on the subway, while other jerks were playing “brain age” on the ds. you would literally be a hero. however, you sold this game at a yard sale, because you couldn’t figure out what all the tiny, complicated gray sprites were. man, you screwed up.

#1: homer bopper bag

best. way to release pent up rage and emotion. ever. how much do you pay in therapy bills a year because daddy wanted you to become a doctor, but you wanted to be an extreme skateboarder, and now you work at pizza hut? this inflatable godsend would be the key to solving all your problems. every last one. also it says “why you little” on it, which a less quoted, but still amazing catchphrase. sadly, rather than re-inflating your wonderful bopper bag, you used the misguided air from your lungs to cuss out your dad, digging yourself deeper into an emotional trench.

losing this toy has caused you a lifetime of heartache. i’m so sorry for you. or to put it another way, “haw haw.” but seriously, you need help. [images courtesy of collecting simpsons]