apart from being a giant pussy, captain planet was the antithesis of everything i learned from battle beasts. how could the elements come together to create a superhero, when the whole point of the elements is for them to beat the shit out of one another? that made no sense whatsoever.

at the time, the super environmental 90’s pushed me into captain planet’s camp. the elements all must work together to stop pig-faced pollution guy or something. now i know i was wrong. all of captain planet’s environmental “facts” wouldn’t hold a candle to the awesome power of the battle beasts.

for example, captain planet might say that global warming is caused by greenhouse gasses, whereas the battle beasts would say that global warming is actually just the fire elemental beasts overpowering the wood elemental beasts — which makes the world hotter. all we need to do is get those water elementals in there, and we’d be good to go. that’s so much easier to understand, and by “easier to understand,” I mean, “more accurate.”

environmental policies are changing. i can feel it. hey, captain planet. wanna do something useful? tell al gore that all 84 battle beasts are coming after him, because they don’t like his face.