everyone knows that david bowie has magical balls. his testes are a font of healing power that draws people of all genders and sexualities to them like moths to a flame. bards and minstrels have sung songs of praise to these balls, but did you know he once used this magic for evil? it’s true. as jareth the goblin king, he ruled a muppet-filled labyrinth with an iron scrotum.

besides the evil david-bowie-balls, there are several utterly crazy and ridiculous things about this scene. first and foremost is the young jennifer connelly, who is obviously being drawn to bowie’s raw sexuality and extremely high-waisted pants. then we have the baby and its striking similarity to oscar from ghostbusters II. coincidence, or the slow-boiling set up for ghostbusters III, in which oscar and david bowie lock in mortal combat for the fate of this dimension?

lastly, there is the matter of the choreography. while throwing a baby six feet into the air and relying on your goblin lackey to catch it is frowned upon in modern dance theory, even if you are an evil wizard king, there is one choreographer that has essentially free reign to endanger as many infants as she wants. that choreographer is cheryl mcfadden aka gates mcfadden aka beverly fucking crusher. suck on it, alvin ailey. young wesley crusher’s mom just served you up a big, piping hot plate of david bowie’s magic balls.