i was wondering to myself the other night, as i often wonder to myself. i wondered, “self, if chuck norris and abraham lincoln appeared on wwe’s smackdown, who would win?” look, i’ve read the chuck norris fact sheet, i know that when the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for chuck norris. i know that chuck norris is the reason waldo is hiding. and i know that chuck norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

but i also know that abraham lincoln’s rap sheet is impressive as well. did you know that when john wilkes booth shot him in the head, lincoln bled freedom? it’s true.