pee wee herman: if i had a time machine and a knife… i would probably still go see dinosaurs, but i’d consider killing pee wee.

some old grizzled comedian from the ’70s must’ve given advice to a captive up-and-coming generation of stand-up comics. this old funnyman must’ve said, “look, kids, to make it in this biz, you need a god-damn gimmick. yeah, it’s bullshit; yeah, it sucks the talent out of you, but the world don’t give a shit. you gotta be fuckin’ weird.”

and they all listened. battling for top honors in the fuckin’ weirdo category: the mighty freak, the mind-blitzkrieg, the elf-creature - emo philips, versus the irritating shit, the unintentionally hilarious pee wee herman. alright, so some of you might’ve liked his movie, maybe even his tv show, but his stand up sucked the balls of a thousand men and you know it and i know it. that’s why he only did stand up a couple times, and each time, the audience wished he’d simply whipped out his junk and got dragged off the stage by cops.

i hate to ruin the surprise, but emo philips unfortunately doesn’t win the fight, in real life or in the fantasy ’80s comedian league. ask people about emo, and they’ll cry over the bastardization of the already bastardly punk scene, but ask them about pee wee and they’ll shout “tequila!” and then i’ll come out of nowhere and punch them in the nuts. or something else that’s sensitive.

in the fantasy ’80s comedian league, pee wee enters the ring with emo, they circle each other for a minute, emo looks like he’s gonna hyperventilate, his eyes bulge uncomfortably, then pee wee eats his kidneys and dances on his spleen. emo’s a lover, not a fighter. but, either way, he’s a better comedian.

emo philips just can’t win.