asterios kokkinos
geoffrey golden
rob asaro
adam daroff
eric larnick
jenni powell
rob morrisontop 3 reasons to hate brian austin green written by eric on 02/06/07
brian austin green didn’t always bother me. he started off, modestly enough, as west beverly high’s school disc jockey. it was an admirable position for a skinny little pip-squeak like him; something that all the normal kids could aspire to be. but somewhere along the way, he let the fame get to his head - and he started to seriously piss me off!
will you just look at the smug son of a bitch? we couldn’t all just casually saunter onto the thanksgiving episode of saved by the bell: the college years like mr. austin green. some of us still had to sit at my grandparents’ kiddie table, even if i was already 11 years old!brian austin green has pulled some incredibly brazen moves in my lifetime, but none have got me so riled up as these top three:
3. he scored with tiffani amber thiessen on tv, and in real life!
tiffani amber thiessen is a goddess. she was not even conceived by mortal
parents; rather, she was sculpted from clay off the banks of the mediterranean, by zeus in a quest to prove that femininity could be perfected. and she blessed all adolescent boys in the early 90’s with her perfect visage.
but a dark cloud rolled over the 4th grade world, when this siren chose brian austin green as her mate. and boys everywhere cursed his name to the heavens:
“wigger!”
dammit, she was mine! all i needed to do was graduate grade school, earn lots of money, become a black belt in karate, get some totally-ripped muscles, learn electric guitar, and become famous, and i was pretty sure i had a chance with her. but that plan is shot to hell!
worst of all, not only did he get to make out with her all - the - time, but he somehow got the fox channel to film it every week!
i’ll concede defeat. i know when i have been bested by a better competitor…
… but there is no reason to gloat about it, brian.
2. he turned the fantastic four into color me badd!
i remember how stoked i was to finally get a fantastic four cartoon.
the thing! rocket cars! super stretchin’ mr. fantastic! clobberin’ time! i could hardly contain my excitement.
but that excitement was crushed within 5 minutes of the first episode, when i realized that b.a.g. was the voice of the human torch. whenever i read fantastic four comics, i always imagined the human torch to sound like a loveable, brash smart aleck - not an annoying bitch-jerk.
“well at least, i don’t have to look at him,” i tried to tell myself, “there’s still going to be awesome space battles with robots and monsters. it’s not like the comic book adventures are going to be pushed aside so he can promote his stupid little rap career.”
(sigh) are they trying to get me to actively root for doctor doom?!
and the number 1 reason to hate brian austin green…
he failed to save scott scanlon!
don’t you get it man - you were his best friend, and you stopped hanging out with him! the only friend he had left to hang out with, was his dad’s gun collection! maybe if you weren’t so busy trying to get into donna’s pants, you would have noticed how dangerous that was!i bet you took his cowboy hat, and used it to store all your “demo tapes.”
i hate you brian austin green.
filed under comics, music: 90's, tv kids shows: 90s
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