if you didn’t have a snap bracelet when you were a kid, that could explain your feelings of unfulfillment as an adult. it was an accesory, yes, but you could put it on and have fun at the same time. with watches, or dare i say swatches, you have to find a table or something to rest the watch face on while you fasten the buckle or velcro. snap bracelets you just snap and bam you’re wearing a bracelet.

i never even wanted to wear a bracelet until i had a snap bracelet. my sister had a girly zebra striped one, but mine was yellow, pink, and blue camoflage. that’s right, if i needed to hide in weird alien vomit, my wrist would be undetectible.

the snap bracelet could do tricks. i could roll down both sides and turn it into opera glasses. i could roll down one side and it’d be a pipe. or i could lay it out on a table, press it in the middle, and pop, it would go flying into the air. it had to do tricks; it wasn’t a very comfortable bracelet.

then the safety nazis in the government, with their boo hoo warnings came out and said the metal in the bracelet could rip out and slit your wrist.

oh snap, government. no you di’int.

they’re trying to tell us we can sneak out into the woods with a cheap rope, tie it to a flimsy tree branch, swing around like tarzan and not get hurt, but we can’t figure out that exposed metal will probably cut us. fuck that. my friends and i decided to stick it to the man. the day after those warnings came out, we tore the cool covers off our snap bracelets and wore just the metal to school, in defiance of their candy ass safety policies.

the next day, snap bracelets were banned permanently.