ah, what would football season be like without the wonders of john madden? honestly, i thought we would’ve known the answer to this at least ten seasons ago. i really can’t believe john madden is still alive.

john madden’s voice sounds like a heart attack. it makes my arteries harden just listening to him, and i can feel the fatty plaque throughout my body swimming home, following his scrawled yellow arrows back to my left ventricle. i’ve seen this man tear into a turducken with his bare hands… his enormous, claw-like bare hands. it’s a miracle of science that john madden is still calling games.

and mcdonalds… just thinking about mcdonalds makes me feel a burning in my chest that can only be described as the spontaneous combustion of my soul. mcdonalds will kill you. but so will alcohol and that hasn’t stopped me from consuming either of them.

regardless, watching john madden talk about mcdonalds has almost caused me to keel over with ten coronaries at once. don’t watch this commercial more than one time a month. it’s just not healthy.