in honor of the return of jack bauer, it’s time to take note of a smooth pimp of the past: john spartan, anyone? john spartan was such a kick ass warrior for the forces of ass-kickin’ that they had to freeze him alive in a pie-shaped block of ice. suddenly a chinese prison isn’t sounding so bad, huh jack “the vagina” bauer?

demolition man, the true story of l.a.’s most notorious crime fighter and his rise to power in a distant and hilarious future, made enough money that it qualified for something even better than a video game: a pinball game! how many video games that you know can tilt? hopefully not many.

as this promo shows you, the demolition man pinball game is full of awesome clips from demolition man, but more importantly, it’s a powerful sexual tool. if you bring a woman near it, she will seductively grab the joystick and eventually mount the machine and orgasm.

however, in the long history of the demolition man pinball machine, a woman has never touched it.