with my “yesterday-observing utopia totally usurping bountiful eternities” machine [or y.o.u.t.u.b.e.], i have once again gazed randomly into the past, through the lens of the word “childhood.”

surely that search wouldn’t leave me with a bunch of tedious, worthless clips of stupid little kids doing useless things! well, it did. but not entirely.

i also came across the end credits of captain planet, the moral guiding light of my childhood, the reason i walk to the grocery store instead of driving my eco-deathmobile, the master of mullets, the king of living things, gaia’s sidekick! the captain made it happen.

so the clip played and what did my misty eyes see in those first couple frames? “original idea by ted turner.” cue the sound of a thousand record players vvrrripping to a stop.

ted turner came up with captain planet?! but wasn’t he one of the villians on that show? sweet clattering money bags… this “childhood” search has found childhood indeed. at least it’s found the mutilated corpse of innocence lying on ted turner’s civil war battlefield of a front lawn. oh y.o.u.t.u.b.e., you have led me astray this day!