children, step back. there can be only one monster champion of breakfast.

in this corner, we have count chocula, light on his feet, floats like a bat and stings like a bat. you know chocula is trouble due to his stealth and his nobleman title! he’s got king von cocoahelm in his back pocket and an army of knightly vampires up his stylish, yet not too ostentatious, sleeve.

and the challenger: frankenberry. note: he ain’t frankenberry’s monster — he’s the real freakin’ deal. this porthole-eyed newcomer built himself out of the dead remains of some hanna-barbera character and a really gay pink boat, and he’s bringin’ the pain what with his constant unexplained ability to show up just as count chocula is pitching his product to kids! he’s also got an effete british accent so we trust him like we’d trust a comical supporting character who suddenly appeared in real life.

this is a battle where nobody wins. i’d always hoped there’d be some sick lovechild cereal, like countess frankenchocuberry’s choco-fruits, but such a solution never came. these two monsters will be fighting for all of human history, and possibly long after we’re all gone. such is their bloodlust and their desire to be the supreme monster-related breakfast cereal for kids…

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