that gushing sound you hear as you bite into gushers fruit snacks? it’s the sound of your life being flushed down the toilet.

those teenage years were tough on me. i went from an average-looking, normal kid to some kind of burr-headed sumo geek in the blink of a bloated eye, so i feel the pain of these poor fruit-besieged kids. one bite of a gusher and your melon is literally a melon — and oh, how your classmates will eat your brains down to the rind!

i saw these ads and, after recovering from a desperate case of the heebies and/or the jeebies, i wondered why the hell they thought we wanted to be turned into fruit-headed freaks. where is this demographic that proclaims, “yes! my head is far too small and not of nearly enough nutritional value! fruit me up, you glorious gushing bastards!” but they were a tasty snack…

so, to play it safe, i just washed down gummi bears with some hi-c. it works, and you don’t have to dabble in the mystifying sciences of cranial morphology.

here’s another clip of gushers destroying a kid’s room. this shit’s worse than a thousand cats in a thousand hats…

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