this year, overtime writer rob asaro hopes you’ll have a very rob asaro christmas and read his holiday articles in the upcoming days.

as a parent, i would suspect that leaving your child “home alone” in chicago, while you were off gallivanting around, would scar said parent for life. i mean, it’s not like he’s your special hair conditioner — he is your baby! but hey, we all make mistakes. so, i’m going to let this isolated incident of negligence slide. i’m sure no parent would ever repeat such a terrible mistake.

twelve months later….

not even a full year after the worst ordeal of your life, and you lose him again? AGAIN?! what is wrong with you? dear mcallisters, you seem to have a lot of money to spend on traveling during the most expensive season of the year, but perhaps that money would be better spent on parenting classes, because you two are clearly the worst parents ever. i knew a cannibal once (his name was larry), and he ate his children, but at least HE knew where they were. you can’t even stay within a 30-mile radius of your son.

and what about you, kevin? you learned the lesson of a lifetime just twelve months ago. you learned that family was the most important thing in the world, and you quickly forgot? you’re a bright boy. you’ve foiled two burglars last year by using an elaborate mix of booby traps, coupled with your razor sharp, spot on wit. you, my dear boy, have a whole set of issues that mere paint cans and james cagney videos will never fix. get help, young man.

and finally, my dear burglars: it’s called a gun. you could have picked him off with one shot on several different occasions. come on guys, think!

all of you people frustrated me endlessly with your ill informed and mind numbingly terrible decision making. not only did you not learn from your experience, you actually forgot everything completely, and repeated the same exact mistakes, just in a slightly different part of the county. oy.