if you’re like us, you refuse to accept any gift that’s not from the 90’s. here’s a guide to what other people should buy for you - just email them a link to this article, and you’ll get nothing but awesome gifts this year.

the lost world: jurassic park II ($9, deepdiscountdvd.com) - dr. ian malcom said, “oooh, ahhh, that’s how it always starts. then later there’s running…and screaming…” we’re guessing he’s talking about your reaction to getting this movie for christmas!

the flash: the complete series ($40, deepdiscountdvd.com) - i never watched this show, because it looked kind of gay. later, i found out that watching it was the only thing that would make you not gay. so now i’m gay, but it’s fine, because sexual preference doesn’t define who i am, you homophobe.

curly sue ($8.48, deepdiscountdvd.com) - i saw a lot of movies as a kid, but for some reason the scene i remember most vividly is that little girl clubbing jim belushi in the head with a 2×4. and now, in 2006, i wish that little girl would finish the job.

mad about you, season 1 ($22, deepdiscountdvd.com) - wow, i really used to watch this show. i can’t believe it.

grumpy old men/grumpier old men two pack ($8.48, deepdiscountdvd.com) - in high school i rented these movies, like, every other week. i still can’t get enough of watching these two brilliant actors try to murder each other over the love of ann margaret. somebody needs to buy me this.

so in conclusion, buy me all these dvds. signed, the best guy ever, asterios kokkinos. and oh yeah, happy holidays!