i’ve been living in new york city for going on a year now, and i gotta say: this isn’t what i was expecting. throughout childhood, i saw countless movies and tv shows that suggested nyc was full of so much zaniness, that you’d have to be brain-dead to not consider moving here. none of that appears to have been accurate. bastards.

when i moved here, i didn’t see billy joel dog dancing and singing on top of a piano a hundred feet off the ground with a chain of hot dogs flung around his neck, stopping traffic with his savoir faire, and flashing his uvula at me. that woulda been nice, but no. i didn’t so much as hear a single huey lewis song, let alone one describing how it’s “always once upon a time in new york city.” and where the fuck is robert loggia and his scary limo? nowhere, that’s where. oliver & company lied to me!

but that wasn’t the worst betrayal. no, sirree. i want to get grabbed by some thugs in an alleyway and be forced to do drugs! i want to run through the sewers while a veritable phalanx of toxic waste chases me down! i want to have a boxing match on top of a building with jason voorhees until he punches my blinkin’ block off (also, i’d have to be black for that). in short, i want all the experiences of friday the 13th part VIII: jason takes manhattan. who doesn’t love that “i heart ny” poster with jason’s mask splitting through the heart? these are expectations, damn it! i’m gonna move back to hooterville if i don’t get some results!

and don’t get me started on ghostbusters.

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