each time i think i’ve failed for the final time in life, i realize… i am not yet living in a van down by the river.

this has become my mantra. i chant it while paying for car insurance. i chant it while performing vague, unexplained (yet somehow crucial) functions at work. i chant it every time i go over a bridge and look to the side of the water and see a goddamn van sitting there like the hull of the rms failuretanic.

“is that bill shakespeare over there?” it’s like he was squinting mockingly at me! oh, matt foley, you warned me way back in 1993 and all i took from your lesson was that i’d “be doin’ a lotta doobie rollin’ when [i'm] livin’ in a van down by the river!” how i laughed and laughed! little did i know, i wouldn’t be able to afford a doobie to roll.

on the brighter side, we still have this sketch. near perfection, with david spade barely swallowing the laugh and a classic SNL staple ending: the broken furniture express. but then wikipedia tells me that, just before farley’s death, he and spade were planning a matt foley movie.

life blows, dudes.