i had a whole series of kiddie books on things like manners, selfishness, and yes, dealing with bullies. they gave sissy advice such as, “be polite,” or “consider the feelings of others,” or “bullies have problems of their own.” that’s some bullshit, huh?

yeah, my bullies mostly came from broken, lower middle class homes, with absent fathers and over-worked mothers, but am i gonna have any sympathy when they’re following me around stepping on the backs of my sneakers? fuck no, bitch. i’m gonna firebomb your dog house.

just as soon as i grow a pair of testicles…

in the meantime, i’m going to imagine the bully is a claymation wolf, and green jellÿ gives us the rest of the story. rambo blastin’ the clay shit out of him? yes please. because that’s what claymation and imagination are all about. they create a wonderland of vengeance and revengeance. and hilariously high-voiced piggies.

the world i created in my mind while sitting around watching mtv: 1. bullies: 0.

from the strange (but true!) fact folder: did you know?! — those high-pitched little piggy voices are voiced by none other than tool’s maynard james keenan.

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