as a little kid, a mixture of divorce and an unexpected relocation to north carolina forced me to grow up pretty fast. and like all kids wanting to feel more grown up, i quickly became addicted to nick at nite.

i was obsessed with the bob newhart show and taxi, to the point where my birthday gift one year was the nick at nite TV companion. i forcefully steered conversations to the point where I could drop an appropriately hilarious dick van dyke one-liner, to the annoyance of all around me. rather than actually attending a block party, i was more than content to attend nick at nite’s block party summer. i even called the munsters vs. addams family hotline three times to vote for Herman and co. and they totally won.
so the other day i was surfing a righteous wave of channels when i happened upon a nick at nite marathon. great, right? wrong. it was a 24-hour marathon of spongebob squarepants cartoons dubbed the “best day ever” marathon. 

right. because spongebob definitely doesn’t get enough airtime as it is. he hasn’t had enough attention, or been driven into the fucking ground by smarmy college kids who forgot that rocko’s modern life was so much better that it’s like comparing freaking rhoda to the mary tyler moore show!

i can handle fresh prince being on nick at nite (shudder). i can even put up with designing women getting an introduction marathon (shudder shudder). but SPONGEBOB? Fuck you, nick at nite. no more shall I learn of the “Hi Bob” drinking game or laugh half-heartedly at network-designed commercials about fred murtz’s pants eating his tie on i love lucy. what’s next? they may as well do a marathon of some show that hasn’t even been created yet!!

actually, that might not be so awful. I always wanted to see a jim ignatowski spin-off.