i played this game all the time as a kid. i had to. it had the simpsons in it. however: i never enjoyed playing it. and i never will.

the game was too hard. the only way to make any progress was to play as marge (her vacuum cleaner weapon had the longest reach). however, then you’re stuck playing as marge, which is terrible. so you either play marge and look like a dick, or play bart and get killed instantly. either way, childhood you is fucking screwed.

so here’s the plot of the game: smithers kidnaps baby maggie. the characters you don’t play run away. so, in the above video, lisa, homer and marge run away when their baby is taken. that is bullshit.

after battling through some goons, you come upon principal skinner. upon seeing one of his students attacked by multiple men in their thirties, skinner also runs away. also bullshit.

bart’s then attacked, for no reason, by a firefighter. total bullshit.

cut to the last level: you fight smithers, who’s wearing a cape. he throws hand grenades at you, just like he does in the series. then, finally, you fight mr. burns, who literally throws nuclear bombs at you (which…are pretty awesome). you beat him and get maggie, only after you literally kill him.

the version of this game that was released in japan was much easier. if you had full health and picked up some food, your health bar’s size was doubled. if you did that in the american version, you’d just be wasting food like a total asshole. also: in the japanese version, you’d get screen clearing nuclear bombs, which i’m sure the japanese thought was hilarious.

so in summary, fuck this stupid game. i wish i had spent more times throwing balls into big bertha’s mouth to get tickets. i coulda finally won that sweet clock radio, instead of getting beaten by my parents for wasting money like an asshole.