warning: this clip contains an attractive naked woman, who’s actually dead, old, and rotty. viewer discretion should be screaming at you to not watch it.

throughout my teenage years, my dreams were a very odd, somewhat disturbing montage of deformed women. some people have magnificent sex dreams full of supermodels and prom queens, but not me. i had a parade of freakish naked things. there were women with tails, there were women who took off their breasts like shirts and hung them on hangers, and once, there was a woman with stubble, an eye-patch, and a penchant for stumbling about with a sword and an “arrrrrr.” rather than diagnose my obvious psycho-killer-esque mental problems, i’m going to blame everything on this the shining scene with that goddamn grisly dead woman.

just look at the joy and hope on jack’s face when he sees the attractive naked woman in the bathtub. my god, it’s a friggin’ miracle! sure, the cup of christ can supply you with eternal life when you just add water, but imagine! the bathtub of room 237 creates naked women! naked women who aren’t shelley duvall! of course jack’s happy. good god.

but then, the unimaginable happens. jack’s making out with this lovely nude creation, and suddenly, he begins to taste the funk of forty thousand years. she’s dead! holy shit! and she’s laughing like an old lady! oh god! if anything’s worse than making out with a dead woman, it’s making out with an old dead woman. if you can think of something more horrible, i challenge you to describe it in the comments section.

because this is such a vital scene in the horror canon, i will provide you with both kubrick’s jack-gets-a-mouthful version and the danny-gets-yoinked version from the five-hour ABC miniseries. i’m not sure which one makes me spray more urine into my pants. someday i’ll measure the flow.

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