asterios kokkinos
geoffrey golden
rob asaro
adam daroff
eric larnick
jenni powell
rob morrisonsweet jesus… matt foley was right…
| written by dave on 11/30/06 | leave a comment |
each time i think i’ve failed for the final time in life, i realize… i am not yet living in a van down by the river.
this has become my mantra. i chant it while paying for car insurance. i chant it while performing vague, unexplained (yet somehow crucial) functions at work. i chant it every time i go over a bridge and look to the side of the water and see a goddamn van sitting there like the hull of the rms failuretanic.
“is that bill shakespeare over there?” it’s like he was squinting mockingly at me! oh, matt foley, you warned me way back in 1993 and all i took from your lesson was that i’d “be doin’ a lotta doobie rollin’ when [i'm] livin’ in a van down by the river!” how i laughed and laughed! little did i know, i wouldn’t be able to afford a doobie to roll.
on the brighter side, we still have this sketch. near perfection, with david spade barely swallowing the laugh and a classic SNL staple ending: the broken furniture express. but then wikipedia tells me that, just before farley’s death, he and spade were planning a matt foley movie.
life blows, dudes.
filed under sketch comedy
green jellÿ taught me how to deal with bullies
| written by dave on 11/30/06 | leave a comment |
i had a whole series of kiddie books on things like manners, selfishness, and yes, dealing with bullies. they gave sissy advice such as, “be polite,” or “consider the feelings of others,” or “bullies have problems of their own.” that’s some bullshit, huh?
yeah, my bullies mostly came from broken, lower middle class homes, with absent fathers and over-worked mothers, but am i gonna have any sympathy when they’re following me around stepping on the backs of my sneakers? fuck no, bitch. i’m gonna firebomb your dog house.
just as soon as i grow a pair of testicles…
in the meantime, i’m going to imagine the bully is a claymation wolf, and green jellÿ gives us the rest of the story. rambo blastin’ the clay shit out of him? yes please. because that’s what claymation and imagination are all about. they create a wonderland of vengeance and revengeance. and hilariously high-voiced piggies.
the world i created in my mind while sitting around watching mtv: 1. bullies: 0.
from the strange (but true!) fact folder: did you know?! — those high-pitched little piggy voices are voiced by none other than tool’s maynard james keenan.
filed under mtv, music: 90's
does anyone besides me remember glider pro?
| written by geoffrey on 11/29/06 | 8 comments |
when i was a kid, i used to play a game for the mac called glider pro. you’re a paper airplane, and you go through houses, trying not to hit walls — the paper airplane’s natural enemy. if you hit walls, or randomly bouncing basketballs, you die. and the game had a feature where you could build your own levels. if you flew the glider through a level you called “fart house,” no one judged you for it.
what? you don’t believe there was such a game? here’s the evidence, jerk!
and now you can play it online, thanks to the internet and flash programming.
was i the only person in the world who played this game?
and does anyone remember that there was a race car level and an art gallery?
and that they were both awesome?
filed under video games
return to oz: this movie sucks!
| written by rob on 11/29/06 | 15 comments |
as we all know “the wizard of oz” was a classic story and wonderful movie about a girl in search of something more, but throughout her journey she discovers that the best things in life were family, friends and her home; all of the things that she already had.
so what do you do disney? you write the return to oz; a story in which dorothy forgets all of her lessons learned and returns to oz, and because you’re sick freaks, you take the oz we loved remember and turn it into fright fest. your villain rotates between a collection of heads, dorothy’s wonderful companions have been replaced with a side show, among them a giant talking jack-o-lantern. it gets better. during the course of this movie, you place dorothy in a straight jacket as she prepares to undergo shock therapy to “forget.” i only wish after this movie i too could do the same.
what the f? do you like butchering american classics. why not make a sequel to citizen cane, this time rose bud can be a toy car, or how about a sequel to gone with the wind, “we thought the war was over but there was another war, rebuilding the south: gone with the wind part II, the chronicles of reconstruction!” maybe you can ruin Casablanca? elsie can turn the plane around and run into rick’s arms. Something tells me disney, that you hand your hand in the godfather part three. what do you want disney! when will you be happy! when you butcher every movie ever made with a psychotic sequel! is that when you’ll be happy! Huh? Huh
that aside, I felt the movie did a nice job keeping with the imagery and story-telling of l. frank baum.
filed under disney
where the fuck are nick at nite’s priorities?
| written by morrison on 11/28/06 | leave a comment |
as a little kid, a mixture of divorce and an unexpected relocation to north carolina forced me to grow up pretty fast. and like all kids wanting to feel more grown up, i quickly became addicted to nick at nite.
i was obsessed with the bob newhart show and taxi, to the point where my birthday gift one year was the nick at nite TV companion. i forcefully steered conversations to the point where I could drop an appropriately hilarious dick van dyke one-liner, to the annoyance of all around me. rather than actually attending a block party, i was more than content to attend nick at nite’s block party summer. i even called the munsters vs. addams family hotline three times to vote for Herman and co. and they totally won.
so the other day i was surfing a righteous wave of channels when i happened upon a nick at nite marathon. great, right? wrong. it was a 24-hour marathon of spongebob squarepants cartoons dubbed the “best day ever” marathon.
right. because spongebob definitely doesn’t get enough airtime as it is. he hasn’t had enough attention, or been driven into the fucking ground by smarmy college kids who forgot that rocko’s modern life was so much better that it’s like comparing freaking rhoda to the mary tyler moore show!
i can handle fresh prince being on nick at nite (shudder). i can even put up with designing women getting an introduction marathon (shudder shudder). but SPONGEBOB? Fuck you, nick at nite. no more shall I learn of the “Hi Bob” drinking game or laugh half-heartedly at network-designed commercials about fred murtz’s pants eating his tie on i love lucy. what’s next? they may as well do a marathon of some show that hasn’t even been created yet!!
actually, that might not be so awful. I always wanted to see a jim ignatowski spin-off.
filed under nickelodeon, tv comedies: 80's, tv comedy: 90s
the dark crystal: so scary it scared me to death and back to life
| written by dave on 11/28/06 | 1 comment |
the ’80s were a freakin’ scary time to be a kid. we weren’t watching episodes of leave it to beaver or some sugary delight like miracle on 34th street. we watched weird fucking vultures, one-eyed freaks, and enough terrifying muppets to kill off an entire generation of children with weak hearts.
did i like this movie as a kid? of course. but from a distance. i didn’t *avoid* shit that would make me wet myself, but i didn’t run to it either. i saw the vulture things on the box, and i said, “shit… those things look fucking rad. but they’ll probably make me cry out my own urine and blood through my eyes… i guess i’ll just watch it once.”
whelp, my prophecy came true and i was forever scarred, but it was worth it. i’d say the same for living through the ’80s.
one last note: it has come to my attention that throughout michael jackson’s adult life, he’s been slowly trying to become a gelfling. discuss.
filed under movies: 80s, muppets