don’t let the white box fool you. this is a home video recording of perhaps the most hilariously lame theme park attraction i’ve ever seen.

today we will answer the age old question: how can a waterworld parody possibly be disappointing? after all, waterworld is a legendary box office disaster — when is that not funny? i’ll tell you when: at universal studio’s “halloween horror nights.” wooooooo!

first of all, why does universal still have a waterworld attraction? i can understand it initially: they were anticipating a big success, they started building it, the movie BOMBS HARDER THAN ANY MOVIE IN HISTORY, and they have to swallow their pride and finish the job. however, after… i don’t know… a year, don’t you immediately change the theme (water show stunt spectacular — there, i did it. where’s my money?) or destroy the fucking thing? nope. apparently, you let it fester as an expensive reminder that the magic of the universal movie catalogue includes one of the most memorable disasters in history, and i’m not talking about the polar ice caps melting… although, indirectly, i suppose i am.

then it comes time for halloween. universal need an actual attraction for people to go to, because 80% of the park is essentially a haunted house, with “scare-actors” (best term ever) sneaking up behind you with prop chainsaws. now, I wouldn’t mind an “x-rated” waterworld parody in the style of rocky horror. i don’t think it’s incredibly scary, but i get it. however, the name of the “re-tooled” waterworld attraction is…

slaughterworld.

what?! when i go to something called “slaughterworld,” i’m expecting all the characters in waterworld to get murdered, or “slaughtered” if you will. not some G-rated strip show for families. that’s called “stripperworld,” although even that is a little misleading. watching it in the stands, i kept wondering, “where’s the slaughtering?” there was none. absolutely none. not even a stream of blood or a few good screams. just a lot of fake fires, water skiing, and bad penis jokes. a lot of bad penis jokes.

but then again, i shouldn’t be surprised. universal florida had an attraction called, “twister: ride it!” while you might think that would be a ride based on the film twister, it was actually a very tame pyrotechnics show. years later, it was renamed to “twister: ride it out!” *slaps hand against forehead* oh, well. at least that’s better than “twister: you’re about to watch some extreme violence!”