every halloween, i am always anxious to go through a haunted house attraction. its the same feeling i had last night, when i had to go the dentist. i get myself so worked up, worrying about the possibilities, but ultimately its alright. that is until the last minute when the dentist put a needle into my gums leatherface jumps out with his chainsaw only 20 feet away from the exit! that last second jolt always rattles my nerves for hours. thankfully, i can always run to the apple cider stand and regain my composure. besides these things are just usually filled with a bunch of art students and strobe lights, so they can’t be too dangerous.

but “fright fest” at the six flags amusement parks are an entirely different beast. because it takes that awful feeling your nerves get, when a zombie pops out at you, and adds a roller coaster to the equation.

fuck.

that.

there is no way i’m going on a haunted rollercoaster. the rollercoaster is either 1.) somehow possessing its own evil android mind 2.) controlled by a crazy carnival-barker/serial killer with a retarded, mutant little brother (who is actually much taller than him) or 3.) going to throw me off the coaster and drop me into the waiting arms of jason voorhees.

… dammit, there is also the possibility that a vampire is flying around, waiting for me at the top of the first descent ready to go for my jugular.

as you can see, there are too many dangerous scenarios. six flags “fright fest” is too terrifying for the average halloween fan.

of course, i’ve never actually been to “fright fest.” but i’m still qualified to pass judgement on it.

but let’s take this moment to look inside the walls of six flags for the first time, and gaze at the sheer terror contained within:

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