if you were to tell me you’ve never wanted to slowly crystalize around shannon elizabeth and hump her to death against a tile bathroom wall, you’re obviously delusional. even the ladies must admit that the concept is appealing. lucky for you, i can tell you how to do it!

first, you should watch the classic 1996 blood-and-snow epic, jack frost, not to be confused with the 1998 “michael keaton grows a vagina” pussy fest known as jack frost. ooooh, i’m a dead-beat dad who’s gotta die and become a snowman before i can truly love my son, ooooooh. yeah, good job taking the easy way out, conveniently-named regular-guy-who-turns-into-a-snowman character jack frost.

anyway, 1996’s jack frostian vision is far more believable and poignant. a serial killer dies in the snow and gets sprayed by a chemical, so naturally, his spirit possesses the snow and he becomes a demon snowman determined to kill people in a small town. brilliant. and it’s the secret ingredient necessary in our secret plans to secretly hump shannon elizabeth into oblivion! the first time the snow falls, grab yourself a vat full of chemicals, some corncob pipes and button noses, and your best crazy maniac grin, ’cause it’s your time to melt yourself into a bathtub and wait! just hope shannon elizabeth gets to the tub before grandma! uh-oh! heeheehee…

p.s. please notice in that clip that jack frost’s carrot nose is not on his face as he humps shannon elizabeth to death. scandalous.