as previously covered, here and here “cartoon all stars to the rescue” is one of the most bizarre, frustrating, and joyous things of my childhood. finally, all the cartoon characters i loved joking around with each other. so what if they’re talking about drugs, instead of throwing a righteous pizza party? i still get to see alf and michelangelo - together!

this is a moment more rare than haley’s comet. we should enjoy it because, who knows how long it will last? you see, back in high school, everybody was going “you need to get napster. its the coolest thing ever. i’ve already got chronic 2000.”

“but that doesn’t come out til next week,” i said, “and i don’t even like dr. dre, so why do i care so much?!”

since my family didn’t get a computer or the internet until halfway through high school, i kept missing out on all these cool technological things. i really wanted napster, so i could download all the music i didn’t want my parents to know i listened to. once my family caught up to the digital age, i pushed everybody out of the way to get to napster.

“napster sucks now,” everybody at school told me, “metallica got the government to shut it down. its all about kazaa now.”

“how do i get that,” i asked.

“do you have a cable modem?”

“no, dial-up.”

“pfft, you are lame. why are you talking to me?”

“cause you needed my help in chemistry.”

“are you trying to hit on me?”

what’s my point to all of this? its all jim davis’ fault! “cartoon all stars to the rescue” aired because (as our good friends at wikipedia explain): “The special was able to get so many characters from various franchises because the licensors gave producers royalty-free access due to the importance of the special.” everybody except for jim davis the creator of “garfield.” its a scientific fact that jim davis is a profit-driven hack, so once he found out that an anti-drug psa featured garfield without his permission, he threatened to sue. so its never been seen again.

so appreciate the moment when daffy, tigger, huey, dewie, and louie tell you about all the wonderful ways to say “no.” because if you wait too long, its going to disappear. and when you try to figure out why, somebody’s going to call you “gay.”

p.s. to jim davis - garfield sucks, and you’re not funny.

related stories

	cartoon all stars to the rescue, part 2: world’s most oblivious parents
	anti-drug song: “a million wonderful ways to say no”
	garfield’s “halloween” musical numbers are a lucid nightmare