admittedly, as a kid i was the most die hard star trek fan in my school. it was one of the few things my father and i had in common, so we embraced the shit out of it. this of course led me to one of the great dilemmas of my early adolescence. “how do i get girls and be a full-out sci-fi nerd?”

the answer: sea quest.

here was a sci-fi show everyone could enjoy. it’s set in the not-so-distant future, and it was set on earth. it was like watching hill street blues, but on a futuristic submarine that explored the depths of the ocean. roy scheider as captain, brilliant. if he can fight sharks, he can win over the cynical this-is-just-a-rip-off-of-star-trek crowd. the show’s trump card, though, the thing that was going to get young girls to watch the show, was none other than chuck norris’ former sidekick jonathan brandis.

it worked. my middle school had a sea quest club, and my sister was in it. she’s a girl, right?

my hopes of ever having a girlfriend filled me as i watched the first episode. then an aura of greatness filled the screen as we were introduced to the wesley crusher of the undersea world, only this boy genius was played by future suicide jonathan brandis. and he was best friends with a talking dolphin. darwin the dolphin was admittedly adorable, but he was just enough to remind everyone this was a sci-fi show.

so i never had a girlfriend in middle school.