video: a japanese commercial for the “ninendo amusement park”.

why didn’t they start making this when i was six? it’d already be built by now! damn you, nintendo theme park i want to spend all my time and money in. when will you be ready for me?!

so, obviously there’s a mario attraction. i imagine they’ll eventually use a merry-go-round-esque engine to get people through the ride more quickly. bungee cords would be kind of a mess. i want there to be a metroid rollercoaster, where you have a laser cannon you can blast bad guys with along the way. then hook me up with a vr helmet, cause i wanna go mano-a-mano with a street fighter (get ready for me dee jay, you jamaican asshole). swim with donkey & diddy kong at the watering hole — really! there are live monkeys there, who perform tricks underwater. there’s a 360 degree mega man shooting gallery, a castlevania haunted house, and a wario hotel where they pretend to steal all your money, but then they give it back, but they actually have stolen some of your money. just not enough for you to notice.

i’m ready for my theme park… now.