is the person playing this game an overly chipper white kid?! uhp! you win!

guess who? is every kid’s favorite racial profiling game. are you black? gotcha! do you have a stereotypical italian mustache? got you and your spicy meatah-ballah! are you a fucking beret-wearing commie beatnik? i sunk your battleship, bitch! judging people based on their appearance is fun, kids!

after years of playing guess who?, i’m the number one go-to guy for police line-ups. based on two or three questions — does he have a beard? does he wear glasses? is he a sad russian-looking man named bernard? — i can guess who did it without even looking at the usual suspects. thanks, guess who?! sometimes, the cover does tell more than the book.

sadly though, i’ve never gotten over my disappointment, despite the warning at the end of the ad, that the faces don’t spontaneously pop into animated life and sing songs to me. what’s the use of fantasy if it’s not real, ad wizards? you’ve ruined my life. but i guess i still like your product.