i hate some cereals, but like others. here is a breakdown of my cereal opinions:

cookie crisp: called cookie crisp because no self-respecting adult would buy their child a cereal called cookies, cookie crisp cereal was best known for a bandit and his dog repeatedly trying to steal it. the trix rabbit had a similar dilemna: obsessed with a cereal he could never obtain.

lucky charms: had the irish guy who repeadedly introduced new marshmellow shapes hoping that the shapes would mystify the children into a very bad idea: buying this product. said irish guy claimed lucky charms were a step above delicous. he argued they were magically delicious. what does that even mean? it was never touched upon. here lucky charms makes a brash promise and gloses over the how, and the why.

corn pops: had the repeated hack premise of teenagers looking for the last box of pops and for a split second we think, “oh no! no corn pops. how will this person get on with their life! it’s all over!” but then poof! someone comes and saves our hero from a life of distress and hands him his box of sweetened puffs of corn. like corn puffs are going to fix their drug problems, or alcoholic parents.

life: mikey likes life cereal. good for him. i don’t.

fruit loops: “follow my nose.” no. how about you follow my dislike of diabetes.

apple jacks: it doesn’t taste like apple. no it doesn’t. it tastes like a bunch of crap! get out of house apple jacks.

honey bunches of oats?: more like honey bunches of lies!

mini wheats: the kid in you will love the sugar. the suicidal adult in you will cry for his lost youth.

count chocula and frankenberry: both pictures of health and goodness! certainly wonderful choices to promote nutrition!

wheates: if some guy who drives a racecar likes ‘em, how can i go wrong?

coco puffs: i think the most assinine character was the coco puffs bird. this bird was “coo coo” for this cereal. he was almost as crazy for ‘puffs’ as ‘dig-em frog’ was for ’smacks.’ (by the way: Smacks? the worst cereal name ever.) that poor frog looked and sounded like he was strung out on crack.

these commercial didn’t encourage me to buy cereal. no, infact they had a terrible effect on me. i was very afraid that like the bird, bee, rabbit, vampire,austrailian monkey, wilford brimley and dig-em frog i too would lose control over my life and become additced to breakfast cereal. basically, these poor, misguided cartoon spokespeople had the same problem, a terrible, frighteningly unneccesarry additciton and obsession with breakfast, frankly i did not want to waste my life pining over cereal.