in the original movie, austin powers is frozen in time for 30 years, and a lot has changed. well, mr. powers, it’s been almost ten years now since you’ve been in theaters, and even more has changed for you…

your movie was a smashing success, baby. yeah! especially on video. oh, behave. then there were sequels, product placements, a music video with britney spears, and endless repetition of your catchphrases. does that make you horny, baby? well, it shouldn’t!

i just rewatched austin powers for the first time in years, and it’s a good movie. not just a funny comedy, but an awesome film with a strong message. sitting down to watch austin powers 2 in theaters, i remember finding the opening sequence, in which elizabeth hurley turns out to be a fembot, to be confusing and unfunny. shouldn’t married austin have to force himself not to sleep around? why give him dramatic license to do it? what was the whole point of the first movie?! they ruined everything in so many ways. by the time the third one came out in 2002 (one year after 9/11 — veeeeery significant), we turned on austin faster than it took a drunk businessman to say “groovy, baby” in 1998.

but like a good christian (like, cause i’m a jew), i’ll forgive austin powers. the first movie was made with a pure love for 60’s spy movies, and even though the catchphrases sometimes make me cringe, it’s been awhile since i remembered his penis pump, or what he looks like in a nutshell. i just wish i could have froze him forever in 1997.