adam: remember the secret wars? it’s okay, no one expected you to (excepting perhaps jim shooter and the wiz-kids at marvel). most remember it being the first major crossover between all of the major titles in the marvel universe, but more importantly, it represents the first significant crossover between a major comics publisher and a toy company.

yep, the secret wars were designed to sell a line of shitty, shitty toys. in order to sell shitty toys, you need an even shittier comic. and secret wars delivers.

of course, they couldn’t just let it be completely forgettable. sure, the beyonder was nothing more than a cheesy hasselhoff lookalike with godlike powers. sure, doctor doom got the power cosmic only to give it up voluntarily about 10 pages later. okay, that’s enough tenuous premise to allow for a heaping slugfest between the heroes and villains that could easily be ret-conned.

but what about spiderman and the black costume?

how are you going to retcon that, sam raimi? how are you going to explain where venom came from without explaining battleworld? why, marvel, why? why would you put us through the pain, the torment, the plotless drivel that was the secret wars (and its subsequent follow-up, secret wars ii)?

one good thing did come out of it all, though: the all-too-brief year when she-hulk got to take over for the thing in the fantastic four. hrmm…sexy monster-woman vs. crusty rock-beast? it doesn’t take a trip to battleworld to figure out who would win that fight…the fans, of course!