get the fuck out my way! it’s the “cartoon all-stars to the rescue!” in 1990, this was the biggest deal ever. every saturday morning cartoon that i loved was going to be crossing over in a special prime-time episode. it was going to air simultaneously on abc, cbs, and nbc, and it was going to be about drugs or something. i didn’t really pay attention to that part - all i saw was a commercial featuring michelangelo and slimer, and my mind shut down from excitement.

the anticipation i felt, as the episode drew closer wracked my mind and body in complete agony. who knows what amazing adventure would force winnie the pooh and the smurfs to team up. oh right, drugs or something like that. whatever - give me the cartoons!

i remember the moment my tv screen went black - in a matter of nanoseconds, the program was going to fade into a battlefield and alvin, the chipmunks, daffy duck, and leonardo were going to be running away from a giant lazer beam! cream pies would be flying through the sky! there was going to be race cars and dinosaurs and werewolves (the scariest thing ever) and…

george and barbara bush? what the fuck is this bullshit?!

the prodcuers of “cartoon all-stars to the rescue!” must get off on this type of tease. i could care less about “plot” and i’ve already forgotten the names of the brother and sister. give me the goddamn cartoons! i need them soooo bad!
…
oh man! alf vs. garfield in a battle of wits! slimer! whoa, simon knows a lot about marijuana! is that what it looks like? that smokey ghost villian is lame; these guys should fight cobra commander — or shredder — no wait, shredder and cobra commander … and a werewolf! holy shit, that cop is bugs bunny! this is too much for me, i’m so high right now on cartoons. i need to rest. i’ll regain my strength and finish watching this tomorrow.